VoWW Interview #3 - Tricia Baker
Overview
"Voices of West Windsor" is a joint project between the Historical Society and SR Mosaic to fill in the gaps in our records of our town's history. We interview contemporary inhabitants of groups not typically found in our archives so that future residents can get a perspective decades later - much like how our perspectives of old West Windsor were obtained through interviews of longtime residents in the past.
Adolescence is a difficult stage of life, especially considering the stress and competition of today’s environment. Tricia Baker decided to help educate others about mental health - historically an oft-overlooked subject - with her organization, Attitudes in Reverse. In this interview, we interview her about her perspectives on West Windsor.
"Voices of West Windsor" is a joint project between the Historical Society and SR Mosaic to fill in the gaps in our records of our town's history. We interview contemporary inhabitants of groups not typically found in our archives so that future residents can get a perspective decades later - much like how our perspectives of old West Windsor were obtained through interviews of longtime residents in the past.
Adolescence is a difficult stage of life, especially considering the stress and competition of today’s environment. Tricia Baker decided to help educate others about mental health - historically an oft-overlooked subject - with her organization, Attitudes in Reverse. In this interview, we interview her about her perspectives on West Windsor.
Transcription:
MEGHA RASTOGI: Hi everyone, and welcome to our third installment of voices of West Windsor in which we aim to bring more marginalized voices up in front. Today,we have with us Tricia Baker, the founder of an organization called
Attitudes in Reverse. Thank you for joining us today.
TRICIA BAKER: Thank you so much for inviting me, it's an honor to be here
MEGHA: I am very excited to speak with you, so without further ado, let's get started. Our very first question is, what does West Windsor mean to you?
TRICIA: When I think about West Windsor, I think about community. I'm always amazed at how people come together and support each other, and also diversity. You know, we have so many people from around the world and they're here and we all learn from each other and I just think it makes it a special place.
MEGHA: I agree. And what makes West Windsor unique or like different from other towns?
TRICIA: I want to go back to that diversity again. It's one of the reasons. I remember we moved here because of that, you know that our children would grow up with people from different races, different ethnicities, different backgrounds.And that's what we wanted for our children - to to become educated and end to be empathetic towards those who are different and I just felt this was a really good place for us to be.
MEGHA: I completely agree growing up in West Windsor, and as a high schooler.I've learned so much about different people and I've truly learned how to respect another person and I think that that's an incredible reason to move here. Where do you see yourself in the West Windsor community?
TRICIA: I see myself and AIR as a partner in the community. A partner with the schools, going in we now talk to middle schools,both middle schools as well as both high schools with our educationalprograms.So it'sIt's just going to be really important.Not only with the schools though, but faith-based organizations have also invited us in and we spoken with staff, we start talk to parents and we talked to students within those organizations.Yeah, I really feel it's important for us to say yes as much as we physically can say yes to the community.I try hard not to say no because it's an important message that we have to get out.
MEGHA: That's incredible, truly. I've met the therapy dogs, and they help so much with the stress and what's going on. Having that little break is really great and they're so cute too so it's really nice!What's a word that comes to mind when you think of West Windsor?
TRICIA: Kindness. I've met so many just wonderful, wonderful people throughout our experiences living here. Our kids were very involved. They were involved in scouting, they were involved in swimming, and just we've met so many wonderful kind people and I think a lot of that - I'm Going to go back to the diversity.It teaches us to be accepting of all people, no matter where you come from, no matter what the color is of your skin.No matter what your mental health diagnosis might be in the end. I just think that's it.It's kindness that we have experienced, and hopefully we'll be able to carry forth and share out with the community beyond West Windsor.
And where do you see West Windsor in 30 years,and what do you want to see West Windsor being right now?
TRICIA: I see the growth that's happening within the school's right now in West Windsor, right? I see all the projects that are happening.I know Community, it looks almost like it's doubling in size, and I just know there's so many more kids are going to be coming into the community, and I really feel it's important that, I know we ever going to talk more about this, but we talk about mental wellness, but we really have to expand on that within the school districts, you know, and younger and younger because we want to get that message out to little ones.I was doing a program up in North Jersey with the second graders and I started talking about what it might feel like to experience a crisis and this little boy, 7 years old, "I feel that way all the time.I have bipolar disorder," and not one of his classmates though anything negative about him which really touched my heart because they have obviously been very open about talking about his illness and teaching them that they have to be accepting of him.You know, if somebody's in a wheelchair or you know, someone is blindor has a visible disability, we're going to hold the door for the person in a wheelchair.We're going to be more compassionate, little more compassionate,empathetic and we need to be that way to for those who have mental health issues.But the problem is we said they're invisible illnesses, right?We don't see them and that can be the difficulty and very often to,and I don't want to jump ahead, but people see the behavior that results from the illness and we get judged by our behavior.And that has to that has to change we have to understand the illness,so we understand the behavior, be empathetic and kind to those who are struggling, get some help, so we can help resolve the issue, help resolve the behavior.
MEGHA: How do you think West Windsor can improve especially in this field, in the mental health and mental health awareness area?
TRICIA: I have seen tremendous changes in years and I'm really grateful for that. When Kenny was in school,it was really hard for him.I want to say most of the people did not understand his illness.He was embarrassed by his illness. He told his peers.He had mono for three years that he was struggling, and some people - I Wouldn't say he was bullied - but there were some people who were just not kind to him, and that included some staff, which to be fair, they just didn't know because we didn't talk about it andI just see the changes.I want to applaud Dr. Aderhold for the changes that he's making within the school community.That whole child approach - that it's shouldn't all be about grades.It's got to be about mental wellness, happiness is so important and you can have the best grades in the world,you can get the best job, a really high salary, but that doesn't mean you're happy.So you have to make sure that happiness and mental well-being is built into the equation and I've seen those changes happen in the district.I still think there could be more changes in that direction, you know, I have seen more counselors being hired specifically to support students who are struggling and that's a positive I have to say, I do want to see more parents.The sad part is when we have a parent meeting if we get maybe a couple dozen parents coming to a presentation talking about mental wellness,that's a lot.
We really don't get a lot of parents and I have to say, I'm speaking as a parent who had a child with a mental health disorder,you know, we think that it's just a phase, they will grow out of it.And they don't want to talk about it. They feel like "my child's too smart to be affected by a mental health disorder" and one of the messages that we try to get across the parents, especially in this district,since we have so many students are highly intelligent, gifted and talented, you know, doing all the extracurricular activities, looking to get into the Ivy League schools.It's the smart people who were highest at-risk. People with mental health disorders tend to have a very high IQ - at least 10 points higher than those in the general population.So you may think your kid is very smart and because of that can't be affected by mental health issues, but they're actually more inclined to be susceptible to mental health disorders and that's why it's really critical for parents to understand what mental health disorders look like, you know in this country. one third of all of our children, actually I take that back, 20% of all of our children are affected, but, and this is up to age 18, are affected by some mental health disorder - ages 10 to 18, That's one out of every five. Less than33% of those children actually get mental health treatment and it's because as parents we don't know, because we don't talk about it or we think that it's not my child.It's somebody else's child. In the beginning when Kenny firstdied,we did meet with discrimination because people just thought we musthave had a horrible family for him to decide to take his life.And that's part of the message.We try to get across is that he struggled with a biologicalbrain-based illness that had a genetic component to it.We also lost his grandmother to suicide.So as a family, we're not perfect, but I don't think there are manyfamilies that are perfect. He knew he was loved and he still lost hope and he still, you know, we were not able to find a cure for this evil illness that stole him from us.So people have to understand, and I think more and more people are starting to recognize that it could be my kid?And in the end,I want to make sure that they are recognizing it early enough so that these young people can get treatment because mental health disorders are highly treatable.
MEGHA: How do you think parents can improve on either their listening skills or better getting their kids help, like what advice do you have for parents?
TRICIA: When there are these workshops, attend because we are providing a lot of information.We're providing information on signs and symptoms of the onset ofmental health disorders or signs and symptoms of someone iscontemplating suicide, you know, as a mom who's lost a child tosuicide.I talked to a lot of parents who lost suicide and almost all of themwill tell me there were no signs.But then when you start to talk to them more in-depth, they'll saysomething and then my head all over that was a sign, you know, andpeople don't realize what these signs are.Change in sleep and eating habits, talking about going awayor wishing you were never born.That was something Kenny talked about."I wish I was never born."Well, he was sad. Children when they are experiencing sadness for2 weeks or more.We all get sad, but when it continues it and it's just something that we need to look into. It doesn't mean that there's a mental health disorder,it means we need to look into it as parents. We need to be open to the idea.They said one in five of all American teenagers are struggling withsome mental health disorder and the CDC just released some statisticslast week that for 18 to 25 year olds the suicide rate since the pandemic started has more than doubled.It went from % to 25%. That's huge - that thoughts of suicide has doubled. So % previously of our 18 to 24 year olds thought about suicide.Now 1/4 of all American teens ages 18 to 25 are thinking about suicide. And parents need to know that this is happening because how do you stop a problem if you're not aware that it's happening and it's just that simple acceptance that it might be my child. Just because my child is highlyintelligent, highly successful doesn't mean it can't affect them.Kenny was a honor student.He was a star swimmer.He had lots of friends.If you looked at him beginning a freshman year, you would think he wasvery successful.However at the same time as his success, he was still struggling withthis mental health disorder.He was still struggling with thoughts of suicide and at that point we had no idea.We just thought everything was going along everything was great andthen one day there were signs. There were signs. We didn't know the signs and then one day he was acting very erratic and I talked to a friend who was a child psychologist. She said, "Bring him to the hospital, have him evaluated," and if it wasn't for her telling me that I wouldn't have done that. That was the day we found out that he was having suicidal thoughts and that was the first day he was hospitalized.So I'm grateful to her for letting me know that, but parents just need to -we want our kids to be perfect.Right?We want you to be perfect and you know what? It's okay not to be perfect.It's okay, you know, I used to have a really high paying, successful job working at Merrill Lynch.And now most of what I do I give away my time and I havesay, I am so much happier now. I feel much more fulfilled. I miss Kenny with my whole heart and soul. But as I said, I just feel like life is good now. It was good then too, but it was good in a different way and I just feel life is much more rewarding now, then then where it was previously. We don't all have to be living in a mansion. We all don't have to have big fancy cars, and big giant TVs, you know, going back to what I said earlier, happiness sometimes eludes us because we're so busy chasing that dream of what we think success is. Success truly is having a roof over our head, food on the table, and being happy, you know, and I think we have to just start to come - and as hard living in the pandemic time is right now, I think it's made me think a lot about that as well. And I'm hoping that it's caused a lot of people who are home to realize time with family has been great. Right? I know we're all spending much more time with each other and I said earlier today it's really a gift that we're giving this time to slow ourselves down to slow our lives down. We start doing more walks outside with our dogs and enjoying the outdoors in the fresh air and just the fact that you're outside experiencing trees, it helps lower your your cortisol level, you know, so those simple things so I just think we have to try to look at each day in a more positive way. It's really hard to do sometimes but just realized that each day's a gift. And you know, I look at having Kenny in my life for years.That was a gift. I was blessed with having him in my life and losing him taught me thatI need to truly appreciate all those who are in my life and not take anybody for granted.
MEGHA: That was beautiful, because at the end of the day, money is just sheets of paper and the relationships that you have and build - that's what really matters at the end of the day. That's what gonna stay with you. And is there someone in this town who has inspired you? There have been a few people. I have to say we have a wonderful relationship with Dr. Aderhold.I mentioned him earlier - the superintendent school district - and I’m really truly grateful for him and for listening. After Kenny died, it was challenging. There were people within the district who didn't know how to respond. They thought that you weren't supposed to talk about suicide because to be fair, the belief that the time years ago was if you talk to people, especially young people, that you put the idea of suicide in their head. So, the response was we won't talk about him and Dr.Aderhold knew that wasn't reality and then when he became superintendent, he invited us and we've been able to work with the district, we started off in high schools and then we're down to middle schools and then we're in the elementary with the dogs. Also within the school district, Dr. McClelland-Crawley at Community. She was one of the first people to actually invite us in. I think there was a little bit of stigma about the Baker family after Kenny died within the school district and she was the one who welcomed us when we spoke with her gifted and talented students and it just started to expand more and more with more teachers welcoming us and our programs into the school. So we're grateful for that and I have to say to you know, the West Windsor Police Department. We have a wonderful relationship with them. We're really blessed to have the amount of people who care about the community, you know, I work with a lot of them and they come into schools during our programs. I like the kids to meet them. Sergeant Jelinski is actually on our board, and he will come into the schools and I like the kids to see his face and know who he is and the kids to know that he cares, because I will tell you when Kenny was struggling, what he would do was he would go out walking at night. Walking, he's used to say walking used to help him slow down the thoughts in his head, used to help him relax himself. But sometimes, he would be out walking o'clock to midnight and he'd be stopped by a police officer. And you know, I was always grateful when it was a kind police officer who knew he wasn't out to cause trouble who helped him get home.
MEGHA: Where do you see mental health in the school system, because especially over recent years, there have been more and more reports talking about the stressful environment. I know that the district a couple of years ago had to change their curriculum in order to make it better for students. So where can improvements be made in our school district?
TRICIA: So I'm going to give you an opinion that most people are not going to be happy about, but my feeling is that our children sign up for too many AP classes. They should really choose their classes wisely, you know, pick one class, maybe two that you feel might challenge you but there's no reason for any student to be taking 5 or 6 AP classes. If you look at colleges, a lot of colleges, like say you're going to go to college for biology. A lot of those colleges won't even take your AP Biology class. So why are you taking that? We really have to think, and this goes back to parents having smart conversations with students, having smart conversations with counselors, you know, just take what classes you enjoy, you're going to be doing extra curricular activities - pick one, maybe two. Students really have to try to get to bed earlier. I know when I talk to kids in our district, I ask that question how many hours of sleep, or do you get who gets more than 8 hours and they all laugh at me because almost none of our young people are getting eight hours. And then I asked the question who gets five or less. I want to say at least 25%, or half of our students in our district are getting less than 5 hours of sleep every single night. And that is so detrimental to the adolescent brain, you know, their brain grows at until age 25 and if they're not sleeping to brain is going to be missing out on a lot of [sic] because that's when your brain grows and develops when you're sleeping, so I just think we need to talk more at home and at school about the importance of sleep, you know, if you don't sleep you're not really functioning. Well the next day, you know, a lot of times I'm going to schools and it's 7 in the morning and the kids will have their heads down on the desk. I'm also a big believer - I think our high school should start school later. I don't know if that's ever going to become a reality. But your internal clock, you don't get sleepy until 10:00 - 10:30 at night. So if you start thinking about what time you have to wake up in the morning in order to get that full 8 hours, the math doesn't work. So I really think that maybe our younger children.Maybe they start a little bit earlier because they're going to go to bed earlier and then maybe our older students can start their school day a little bit later.
MEGHA: It's been a whole debate in our school.
TRICIA: It's been around for a long time since my kids were in school.So it's been at least ten years that debate, and if I had a magic wand, I would wave it and the school day would start for high schools at 10:00. That's also another positive of the virtual classes. I think you're starting a little bit later. Am I correct?
MEGHA: Last year, in the springtime, we started at 9 and ended at 1. But in September, high school starts at 7:40 again. Whoever wants to go to school, can. Whoever wants to do the whole day virtual can. So just like the school year, our school and our day starts at 7:40.
TRICIA: I just think that it should start later, and kids need to get their sleep. Now the positive changes I've seen is that Dr. Aderhold helped implement the Whole Child Approach - less stress, the mental wellness and physical wellness, the overall happiness of the child is important. There are more counselors on school campuses now. I know both South and North have a counselor specifically for those who are struggling with significant mental health issues from Rutgers Behavioral Health. That's a huge addition.There should be, I think more education for teachers about mental health issues, just so that there's a little bit more understanding and empathy, you know, there were a couple teachers who didn't understand Kenny’s illness and they called him lazy. He wasn't lazy. He just had an illness. You wouldn't call a child struggling with cancer lazy, you know, I've seen improvement, but I really feel that there can't be enough mental health education for parents, for school staff, and then also for students. One thing I can say too, I'm working with a couple school districts in adding on school facility therapy dogs. Yeah. In fact, I'm working with Hopewell Valley Township. Dr. Smith, who used to be assistant superintendent at West Windsor. His goal is to have at least one dog on every school property every single day. We just certified dogs, administrators and their dogs. And now we just started training a whole new group of eight staff and their dogs. I talked to Dr. Aderhold a little bit about it and I know we've had some interest piqued, but I just think it would be important, if not having staff with dogs, but just having the dogs in on a more regular basis. I think coming back in September for those who are going to be on school property, I think having the dogs there would be really important, you know, petting a dog, looking at a dog, releases oxytocin, serotonin, lowers your cortisol level, just makes you feel good. And so, you know, I just would like to be able to offer that to the district come the fall, is to be able to be there for them.
MEGHA: Yeah. Yeah absolutely. Dogs make me so happy, and I know they make a lot of other people happy. I think that that'll be a really really great thing to add on in the school. And also when I was in Community, they opened the wellness center for the first time. So what are your thoughts on having something like that maybe in more schools and for younger ages? I think that's a wonderful idea. I really do. I think students need a place where they can relax, take a
break from education. A lot of young people, you'll find, they go to the nurse like almost every day. Like why are they going to the nurse every day? They need a break. So maybe there's another space that they can go where they can get a break and not even feel stigmatized by the fact that they're going to the nurse everyday. So no, I think that kids need to have their downtime, their quiet time.I just keep going back to, we need moreeducation so thatpeople aren't being judged, you know, we talked a lot about discrimination of race and religion and sexual identity.But we still don't talk about discrimination towards those who have a mental health disorder and we got to get that out into the conversation just as much as we talked about the other ones and it's understanding that when someone has a mental health issue, they don't choose to have that illness, you know, just like somebody's doesn't choose to have dark skin or doesn't choose to be transgender. It's who they are and we just need to get that out there and that was the idea behind our "In Their Shoes" exhibit.I don't know if you're familiar with that, but the whole idea with what that was is that we have almost 300 pairs of shoes and every pair has a tag on it or something that some young person might be struggling with in silence and the idea was these are all people who represent people have lost their lives to suicide and the ideas for the people walking through the exhibit, for those who have no idea how hard it is to wake up everyday and live with a mental health disorder, is just to increase some understanding and empathy and kindness towards those who struggle.
MEGHA: I've seen the exhibit before at one of the walkathons and it moved me. There were so many shoes, and I think I started crying that day. It really affected me to see that it does affect real people. It's not just something that you see in the movies or on television, but it's something that affects maybe even my friends, so that is one of the most powerful exhibits I think I've ever seen especially for a topic like this.
TRICIA: If I can just add on to something, for understanding your friends. Sometimes when someone lives with a mental health disorder, it can be really hard to be their friend, but they truly need their friends. So I just encourage young people that if you do have a friend who is struggling just continue to be there for them, you know, if they have a family member who's struggling, be there for them because they truly need their friends.
MEGHA: I agree. I completely agree. A lot of talk has been about virtual learning vs. hybrid learning. A lot of people are saying virtual learning will cause more stress vs. hybrid learning. So, what resources can parents use, and how can the school system better be leaders in mental health, especially regarding the coronavirus. I know a lot of people whose mental health has greatly declined during the quarantine and lockdown period, but I Know the same amount of people who have taken that time away from school to work on their mental health because school caused a lot of issues for their mental health. How can the school system and parents better be helpful for students dealing with the pandemic and the different types of schooling?
TRICIA: Right, so a couple of suggestions I have is that parents should create a - with the students - schedule, a daily schedule, especially if you’re doing virtual vs. hybrid, and then adhere to that schedule. When you have a schedule, you know what to expect for the day, and that helps lower your anxiety. The other thing I suggest too is to turn off the news sometimes because there's a lot of negativity on the news and I can't stress enough that we have to remain hopeful. This will pass. It's a very difficult time; it’s a challenging time, you know, people have lost loved ones to this horrible illness. If you look back through history, you know, the pandemic of 1917-1918, you know, we moved past that. It may still continue to be a struggle for a while, but we will move past it, and we always have to hold onto that. Still, we hope that things will get better and just as regards school, you know, maybe some kids are learning that homeschooling is better for them and that this type of environment is more nurturing, it's not having a significant impact on their mental health, it’s actually having a positive impact. So if it works for their family, maybe that's the solution. I really think this is the time for all of us to be looking at our lives differently, and you know, as I said earlier, spending more time with each other, more time outdoors. I'm working a lot with Hopewell Valley. I know their elementary school is setting up outdoor classes for their little ones, which is great because I know that their place is to bring their little ones back every single day. I don’t know if it's for the whole day, but I know it’s every day, so there’s continuity, and they think children strive for that continuity - what to expect tomorrow. It’s, and it’s when you don’t know what to expect that it causes us this anxiety, but maybe the district is working on that, getting the kids in school, doing outdoor classes. I also do dog training. I’m doing outdoor classes. We’re all social distancing and we’re outdoors, and we’re enjoying the outdoors. So I think there are those options, but I think the school needs to be for the number of kids when they get back and a significant increase in mental health issues and what I think we also, all of us parents and also school administrators and teachers is start understanding that it can take up to 8 to 10 years for an illness to develop. So what’s happening to our little ones right now, we think, oh, they’re so resilient there in elementary school, you know, what's the impact going to be on them in the long run. When I think about 9/11, which was a horrific day, and I just remember everybody, we had the TV on and we watched that horrible thing happening over and it had such an impact on the West Windsor-Plainsboro community. We lost so many people who worked in Manhattan. And it had an impact on our kids, and we didn’t realize it then because they seemed like they’re doing okay, but we need to be aware that maybe it’s not impacting them today, but what’s the impact going to be on their future. All of us need to be educating kids, talking. Parents need to have this conversation that the brain is an organ. It's just an organ in our body, and it can get sick, but it can get well. Have that conversation and I know that conversations happening more and more in schools, but we need to bready - I may be wrong but - Just in what I’ve seen in the spikes in suicidal thoughts, and sadly I’ve heard of too many young people dying of substance abuse disorder and suicide during this time, and I just think that it’s going to get worse before it gets better. But we have to make sure that we’re ready as professionals. Again, to educate parents, to educate school staff, that school administrators have to be ready and students need to be open to talk about it. I have to say, students are so open to talk about it. It’s my age. We are the ones with the hang-ups, you know, and like I said, when Kenny died 11 years ago, the thought was don’t talk to kids at all about suicide, and then after a couple of years of us being involved in suicide prevention, we started hearing that, “Well, it’s okay to talk to adults who work with children about suicide but you still don’t talk to kids about suicide.” But now in the last couple of years, there are more and more people talking directly to students. Youth Mental Health First Aid now is doing a program, they’re talking to juniors and seniors. Well, I can tell you by our research that it’s already too late by the time junior and senior year happened. We really need to be talking to the kids in middle school. That’s when they’re most open. That’s when they see the symptoms within themselves and within their friends. Remember I said earlier, I think I said earlier, half of all mental health issues present themselves by age 14. So we need to educate kids and parents before age 14. So if they see something, they can see a doctor, they can see a therapist, they can start treatment, and the earlier you start treatment, like any other illness, the more likely the success of that treatment.
MEGHA: I can also genuinely say, like speaking on the perspective of middle school, that for me, and for a lot of people I know, middle school was one of the hardest times that we ever had. It was harder than anything high school has presented us with. We’re learning who we are at that point. I think that reaching out to middle school ages is excellent because I think they’re the ones who need it the most. I know I did. How does West Windsor as whole, how can it improve on how it confronts mental health, does it need improvement, or is it at a good point right now?
TRICIA: We’re doing better. But just like the whole nation, we need to be talking more about it. I feel like the conversation is just starting, and we have so much more to talk about, and we have to get past that “not my kid” and “it can’t be my kid,” and it’s negative. I know some people even who lost children to suicide, and they move. They don’t want to talk to anyone, they don’t want to see anyone because they’re afraid of being judged, and I don’t know if I mentioned this, but the day after Kenny died, there was an article written about him. And the amount of horrible, judgemental things that were written about us. My good friends said don’t look at any of them because people judged our family that we must have been a horrible family in order for him to feel like he needed to end his life, not understanding that it’s a biological, genetic-based illness that we fought for 3 years to find the solution for his illness, the cure for his illness. So we still have more education to do and again, my age people, you know, our young people are getting it and they are getting treatment and they're open to therapy and it's just a really great thing to see and it’s happening more often, but in this district, I’ll have a young person come up to me and say, “I wish my mother would see this presentation,” and one young person said, “Could you send that slide to my mom,” Just because sometimes it’s really hard for kids to communicate this really tough topic to parents, and to be fair to parents, we are really busy, parents are dealing with so much stress now, especially with COVID-19, trying to find ways to put food on the table. So it’s really challenging, but really we still have to be open and understand that our young people can still be struggling and one thing I’ve learned about West Windsor-Plainsboro students is that they truly don't want to add any extra burden onto their parents. They’d rather keep it to themselves, and deal with it themselves than talk to their parents and that's why parents really have to be aware, open, and able to ask questions - “How are you feeling?” “How is your mental health?” Are you feeling depressed, and not just sad, we all get sad, “are you feeling depressed?” “Are you feeling anxious?” “Are you having physical symptoms with your anxiety?” Kenny used to have physical symptoms. He used to have thoughts racing. He would have heart palpitations. He would get joint pains. He used to get stomach pains, all from his brain illness, so parents need to be open to that conversation and not be embarrassed or not be afraid. If you are truly concerned about your child, it is actually okay to ask them if they are thinking about suicide, and let me tell you, it may save their lives. The day I was talking about earlier where we actually figured out Kenny was suicidal, I talked to my friend. She told me he needs to go to the hospital for a diagnosis for an evaluation, and I remember I said to him, “Kenny, we need to go to the hospital,” He didn’t argue. He didn’t fuss. He got up and he walked and he got in the car and we went to the hospital. He knew he was in trouble that day. He knew he needed help and he wanted to get help. Sadly in our case, we ran out of time and he lost hope, and we just never found the right solution for him. But people who are living with these illnesses, who’re living with suicidal thoughts - suicide is not about ending their life. People don't want to end their lives. They just don't know how to make all this pain go away, the emotional pain, the physical pain, and it’s also important to understand that people who are living with suicidal ideation have brain illnesses, right? They are not thinking clearly. These brain illnesses are evil, and they lie to you, and they tell you that you don’t deserve help, and that’s another reason why so many people who are living with suicidal thoughts don’t ever reach out and ask for help. So as adults, we really need to be in tune with our young people, as parents, as teachers, as our kids start coming back to school, as the administrators. We just really need to be aware and talk openly, you know, we talk now about sex education, we talk about all sorts of things in school, why we’re having this conversations about mental health. That still needs to be improved. It's getting better! I see changes, I see significant changes, but it still needs improvement.
MEGHA: And do you think this improvement can come in person to person or institution to person interactions? So institutions can be hospitals, the school, police, the government, emergency services, etc.
TRICIA: I think we all need to work as a team. I really do, and I see changes in all those organizations you just talked about for the positive. You know, like at the hospital once I went in for some tests and I remember them asking me before the test, “Do you feel safe at home?” And I thought you know what? This is a really great place for you to ask me that question, you know because if I didn't feel safe, this is a safe environment for me to share how I felt, you know, so I do feel that institutions and organizations are starting, but in my gut, I feel there’s a grassroots effort, That one-on-one and that’s where AIR started, you know, one-on-one conversations about good mental health. We’re talking today, who knows how many people this is going to reach, you know, if we touch one person’s heart, you know, and we’re able to save one person. You know, that’s priceless. So, I really feel that one-on-one conversations - our t-shirts started with the idea of one-on-one conversations, you know, people would say, "Hey, what does AIR mean?" and it gave you that open door to start the conversation, and actually quite a few people have shared with me that they were in Florida, they were in New Zealand, and they had our shirt on, and people asked them. I think that's so cool that around the country and around the globe that AIR is starting to have conversations about mental wellness. So I think we all need to work together, but it's really up to each one of us first of all to understand and then to be kind to each other and to not have any embarrassment about talking about it, you know, no shame no stigma and allow friends to talk and to share and I think I mentioned the little boy who was seven. We just need to understand that and just again accept each other for who we are, how we are, and just be kinder to each other. I think with everything going on in this world, we really, on a one-on-one basis, have to be kind to each other.
MEGHA: I think that's excellent, and actually about the T-shirt. I had an experience with that too. I was wearing it at school. I had one of the AIR T-shirts from one of the walkathons and I wore it to school and there were people asking me what AIR stood for. And it felt pretty good to talk about mental health, especially in middle school when I remember no one talked about their feelings. So it is really, really nice.
MEGHA: And do you see AIR's mission changing in the future if perspectives change and institutional occurs?
TRICIA: You know, we have been growing and developing since we started, you know, if you asked me 11 years ago "Would we be doing this?" and I probably would have said "no" because believe it or not, I'm a shy person. I get really nervous. No one believes but I really am shy so if you put me in a situation with all people who I don't know I'm going to be the one in the corner not talking unless we're talking about dogs or mental health. Those are the things I can talk to anybody about. But, I do see us growing and changing over the years. We started out in high school. And then we recognized the fact we needed to talk to middle schoolers. And then we started seeing the statistics about suicide rates going younger and younger. So then we've implemented - We now have two elementary programs for students. You know, that work with the dogs is expanding. Our AIR dogs - Paws for Minds program is actually a national program, it's recognized by the AKC and we can actually certify dogs in other states through videotape, you know, so I feel because we are small I always say we're like The Little Engine Who Could as we're small, we are able to move fairly quickly in response to what's going on in society. I think that's probably been our big success is the fact that we have been able to adapt. that we have been able to adapt. we were. Then a few years later, they said we can talk to adults. Well, we were still talking to kids. Now, they're saying well, you can talk to juniors and seniors while we are talking to first and second graders. I think everyone is going to catch up with eventually but I think about the impact that we've had it all those kids that we've had in all these years while everyone is still trying to figure things out, you know, we've been able to just watch trends, listen, we listen to a lot of young people and based upon that, that's how we've been able to implement in and bring about changes in our program in order to be meet the needs as they change.
MEGHA: Are there any additional institutions, instructors you'd like to see West Windsor adopt in order to improve it's approach to mental health?
TRICIA: You know, the Youth Mental Health First Aid is a big one. I do believe that every adult who works with children should take this program. It's an eight-hour program. It's sponsored by the National Council of Behavioral Health, but it's an excellent program in that we talked about what mental health issues are, what are the signs of onset of mental health disorders, what are the signs of suicide, and we do a lot of role playing in this program and there are people coming and they're are triggered. They cry. Like I said earlier, asking somebody that you love, "Are you thinking about suicide?" is a tough question. Part of this program is you practice, you role-play that, by looking at, you know, the other participants faces and you realize how hard it is. And that's often what you're saying to somebody who you don't know, who you know just a little bit, and saying it into the eyes of somebody you love is really, really difficult and allowing you to practice that helps you when it comes to it to real life situations. So that's something that I think that all the schools could benefit, all the teachers could benefit from, just like in Kenny's cases, those one or two teachers who called him lazy because he couldn’t get out of bed and couldn’t come to school one day, maybe if they had the right education they would have been little bit more compassionate towards his illness. And that’s the thing that this program does - Mental health first Aid - so I would highly recommend that for all teachers and anybody who works with children.
MEGHA: How has AIR been viewed over time? Has anything changed? Was it originally faced with resistance and now it has a lot of support?
TRICIA: That’s a really good question. Yes, it has changed and yes, we did meet with resistance, as I said in the beginning going back in 11 years, a lot has changed in accepting people who have died by suicide. Their families. You know, when we first lost Kenny, there was a lot of judgement, that we must have been this horrible family, and a lot of people just weren’t aware. So in the beginning, we just started off at this t-shirt contest. That's where the whole thing started and there was resistance. But I think what happened is slowly over time we were invited into other schools in other districts and we were able to show the success of our program and North was actually one of the first schools we were in, and they could see the benefits of our program. In the beginning, it was a bit of a challenge because who were we? We’re a family who lost a kid and people just didn’t really understand his illness and they didn’t understand his death. So it was better just to kind of stay away, but we didn’t give up and that’s the other thing I tell kids when I talk to them. if you feel passionately about something, just don’t give up, you know, keep talking about it, become educated, you know, we became educated about the topic and you know, one life can make an impact on the world and you just can’t give up. You just got to keep always having hope and working hard. Hard work plays into it. There were days, I have to be honest, that I said why do I do this? You know, I’m working for almost no money. I have no paid vacation. I have no health benefits. Before the pandemic, I had no time off and you know, sometimes it’s really hard. And then I would get a message from someone, either from a young person who said that you know, our program help save their live, or from mom, maybe, on the other side of the globe who said, you know, I lost my child and I see you get up everyday, my child and I see you get up everyday, so you’ve inspired me to get up everyday, you know, so I get a message like that and it’s really funny. Ironic, I don’t know what the word is, but it’s when I’m at my lowest point that I got those messages, I get that feedback. It’s almost like the universe knows I need to have some inspiration, and then when I get the inspiration, I say, “ Okay, I know I can’t quit. I know I have to keep moving on. Even if it’s saving one life, and I know we’ve saved hundreds if not thousands of lives, because we’ve spoken to over 90,000 students so far across the country. I’ve been invited to California, to Texas, to Minnesota. We’ve been to eight states outside of New Jersey and I tried really hard not to say no to any invitation because you never know. You never know the one life you’re going to impact. So, just a quick story, like Texas. We got an invitation to go to a middle school in Texas to talk to 8th graders. They were looking for a program, they found us. And I found a woman who told me, anytime you come to a school in Texas, we’ll find your programming. So that allowed me to go out to Texas. it was a group of 8th graders, a small class with maybe about 15 students, and it was the week before they were graduating and moving on to high school. After I came back, I got an email from the teacher who told me that after our presentation, one young girl came forward and expressed suicidal ideation. And I think if I wasn’t there, she would have gone on to high school and maybe been lost in the crowd, maybe her illness never been detected, you know, so I’ve had at least three times schools tell me that they’ve either called an ambulance after our presentation rushed the student to a hospital, because young people don’t know they have permission to ask for help, and that’s what we hope we do, is we give them the permission to ask.
MEGHA: I think that these are some incredible, brilliant examples of AIR’s mission and how much you guys have succeeded in doing it. That actually is the perfect segue into my next question, which is what are some of AIR’s protest accomplishments?
TRICIA: I have to tell you those are probably them, you know, any time any young person comes back to me, and tells me, “ You helped save my life” I get goosebumps, because to think that we can have that kind of impact on another human being there are no words for that. I miss my son tremendously, but I feel that being able to do what I do through AIR is a gift. It’s a gift to be able to talk to young people. It’s a gift to be able to help them identify their illness. It’s a gift to be able to help them save their lives and I just have to always remind myself of that, as I said, even when it gets tough, but again, we talked a little earlier, the universe has a plan for us and I really feel that this was our plan for our whole family, and we just have to make sure we keep our eyes open to what the next steps are in the plan, because I don’t really know what the next steps are. We’re going to see and I/m sure it’s going to be presented to us and we’ll be able to fulfill that but it is just a matter of just being able to keep doing what we’re doing, and helping to reach kids.
MEGHA: Thank you so much for everything that you’ve done and will continue doing. It has impacted so many students, so many people’s lives, and I truly think that you are one of the biggest inspirations for us all to have and thank you so much. On that note, I’m going to close this week’s installment of Voices of West Windsor.
MEGHA RASTOGI: Hi everyone, and welcome to our third installment of voices of West Windsor in which we aim to bring more marginalized voices up in front. Today,we have with us Tricia Baker, the founder of an organization called
Attitudes in Reverse. Thank you for joining us today.
TRICIA BAKER: Thank you so much for inviting me, it's an honor to be here
MEGHA: I am very excited to speak with you, so without further ado, let's get started. Our very first question is, what does West Windsor mean to you?
TRICIA: When I think about West Windsor, I think about community. I'm always amazed at how people come together and support each other, and also diversity. You know, we have so many people from around the world and they're here and we all learn from each other and I just think it makes it a special place.
MEGHA: I agree. And what makes West Windsor unique or like different from other towns?
TRICIA: I want to go back to that diversity again. It's one of the reasons. I remember we moved here because of that, you know that our children would grow up with people from different races, different ethnicities, different backgrounds.And that's what we wanted for our children - to to become educated and end to be empathetic towards those who are different and I just felt this was a really good place for us to be.
MEGHA: I completely agree growing up in West Windsor, and as a high schooler.I've learned so much about different people and I've truly learned how to respect another person and I think that that's an incredible reason to move here. Where do you see yourself in the West Windsor community?
TRICIA: I see myself and AIR as a partner in the community. A partner with the schools, going in we now talk to middle schools,both middle schools as well as both high schools with our educationalprograms.So it'sIt's just going to be really important.Not only with the schools though, but faith-based organizations have also invited us in and we spoken with staff, we start talk to parents and we talked to students within those organizations.Yeah, I really feel it's important for us to say yes as much as we physically can say yes to the community.I try hard not to say no because it's an important message that we have to get out.
MEGHA: That's incredible, truly. I've met the therapy dogs, and they help so much with the stress and what's going on. Having that little break is really great and they're so cute too so it's really nice!What's a word that comes to mind when you think of West Windsor?
TRICIA: Kindness. I've met so many just wonderful, wonderful people throughout our experiences living here. Our kids were very involved. They were involved in scouting, they were involved in swimming, and just we've met so many wonderful kind people and I think a lot of that - I'm Going to go back to the diversity.It teaches us to be accepting of all people, no matter where you come from, no matter what the color is of your skin.No matter what your mental health diagnosis might be in the end. I just think that's it.It's kindness that we have experienced, and hopefully we'll be able to carry forth and share out with the community beyond West Windsor.
And where do you see West Windsor in 30 years,and what do you want to see West Windsor being right now?
TRICIA: I see the growth that's happening within the school's right now in West Windsor, right? I see all the projects that are happening.I know Community, it looks almost like it's doubling in size, and I just know there's so many more kids are going to be coming into the community, and I really feel it's important that, I know we ever going to talk more about this, but we talk about mental wellness, but we really have to expand on that within the school districts, you know, and younger and younger because we want to get that message out to little ones.I was doing a program up in North Jersey with the second graders and I started talking about what it might feel like to experience a crisis and this little boy, 7 years old, "I feel that way all the time.I have bipolar disorder," and not one of his classmates though anything negative about him which really touched my heart because they have obviously been very open about talking about his illness and teaching them that they have to be accepting of him.You know, if somebody's in a wheelchair or you know, someone is blindor has a visible disability, we're going to hold the door for the person in a wheelchair.We're going to be more compassionate, little more compassionate,empathetic and we need to be that way to for those who have mental health issues.But the problem is we said they're invisible illnesses, right?We don't see them and that can be the difficulty and very often to,and I don't want to jump ahead, but people see the behavior that results from the illness and we get judged by our behavior.And that has to that has to change we have to understand the illness,so we understand the behavior, be empathetic and kind to those who are struggling, get some help, so we can help resolve the issue, help resolve the behavior.
MEGHA: How do you think West Windsor can improve especially in this field, in the mental health and mental health awareness area?
TRICIA: I have seen tremendous changes in years and I'm really grateful for that. When Kenny was in school,it was really hard for him.I want to say most of the people did not understand his illness.He was embarrassed by his illness. He told his peers.He had mono for three years that he was struggling, and some people - I Wouldn't say he was bullied - but there were some people who were just not kind to him, and that included some staff, which to be fair, they just didn't know because we didn't talk about it andI just see the changes.I want to applaud Dr. Aderhold for the changes that he's making within the school community.That whole child approach - that it's shouldn't all be about grades.It's got to be about mental wellness, happiness is so important and you can have the best grades in the world,you can get the best job, a really high salary, but that doesn't mean you're happy.So you have to make sure that happiness and mental well-being is built into the equation and I've seen those changes happen in the district.I still think there could be more changes in that direction, you know, I have seen more counselors being hired specifically to support students who are struggling and that's a positive I have to say, I do want to see more parents.The sad part is when we have a parent meeting if we get maybe a couple dozen parents coming to a presentation talking about mental wellness,that's a lot.
We really don't get a lot of parents and I have to say, I'm speaking as a parent who had a child with a mental health disorder,you know, we think that it's just a phase, they will grow out of it.And they don't want to talk about it. They feel like "my child's too smart to be affected by a mental health disorder" and one of the messages that we try to get across the parents, especially in this district,since we have so many students are highly intelligent, gifted and talented, you know, doing all the extracurricular activities, looking to get into the Ivy League schools.It's the smart people who were highest at-risk. People with mental health disorders tend to have a very high IQ - at least 10 points higher than those in the general population.So you may think your kid is very smart and because of that can't be affected by mental health issues, but they're actually more inclined to be susceptible to mental health disorders and that's why it's really critical for parents to understand what mental health disorders look like, you know in this country. one third of all of our children, actually I take that back, 20% of all of our children are affected, but, and this is up to age 18, are affected by some mental health disorder - ages 10 to 18, That's one out of every five. Less than33% of those children actually get mental health treatment and it's because as parents we don't know, because we don't talk about it or we think that it's not my child.It's somebody else's child. In the beginning when Kenny firstdied,we did meet with discrimination because people just thought we musthave had a horrible family for him to decide to take his life.And that's part of the message.We try to get across is that he struggled with a biologicalbrain-based illness that had a genetic component to it.We also lost his grandmother to suicide.So as a family, we're not perfect, but I don't think there are manyfamilies that are perfect. He knew he was loved and he still lost hope and he still, you know, we were not able to find a cure for this evil illness that stole him from us.So people have to understand, and I think more and more people are starting to recognize that it could be my kid?And in the end,I want to make sure that they are recognizing it early enough so that these young people can get treatment because mental health disorders are highly treatable.
MEGHA: How do you think parents can improve on either their listening skills or better getting their kids help, like what advice do you have for parents?
TRICIA: When there are these workshops, attend because we are providing a lot of information.We're providing information on signs and symptoms of the onset ofmental health disorders or signs and symptoms of someone iscontemplating suicide, you know, as a mom who's lost a child tosuicide.I talked to a lot of parents who lost suicide and almost all of themwill tell me there were no signs.But then when you start to talk to them more in-depth, they'll saysomething and then my head all over that was a sign, you know, andpeople don't realize what these signs are.Change in sleep and eating habits, talking about going awayor wishing you were never born.That was something Kenny talked about."I wish I was never born."Well, he was sad. Children when they are experiencing sadness for2 weeks or more.We all get sad, but when it continues it and it's just something that we need to look into. It doesn't mean that there's a mental health disorder,it means we need to look into it as parents. We need to be open to the idea.They said one in five of all American teenagers are struggling withsome mental health disorder and the CDC just released some statisticslast week that for 18 to 25 year olds the suicide rate since the pandemic started has more than doubled.It went from % to 25%. That's huge - that thoughts of suicide has doubled. So % previously of our 18 to 24 year olds thought about suicide.Now 1/4 of all American teens ages 18 to 25 are thinking about suicide. And parents need to know that this is happening because how do you stop a problem if you're not aware that it's happening and it's just that simple acceptance that it might be my child. Just because my child is highlyintelligent, highly successful doesn't mean it can't affect them.Kenny was a honor student.He was a star swimmer.He had lots of friends.If you looked at him beginning a freshman year, you would think he wasvery successful.However at the same time as his success, he was still struggling withthis mental health disorder.He was still struggling with thoughts of suicide and at that point we had no idea.We just thought everything was going along everything was great andthen one day there were signs. There were signs. We didn't know the signs and then one day he was acting very erratic and I talked to a friend who was a child psychologist. She said, "Bring him to the hospital, have him evaluated," and if it wasn't for her telling me that I wouldn't have done that. That was the day we found out that he was having suicidal thoughts and that was the first day he was hospitalized.So I'm grateful to her for letting me know that, but parents just need to -we want our kids to be perfect.Right?We want you to be perfect and you know what? It's okay not to be perfect.It's okay, you know, I used to have a really high paying, successful job working at Merrill Lynch.And now most of what I do I give away my time and I havesay, I am so much happier now. I feel much more fulfilled. I miss Kenny with my whole heart and soul. But as I said, I just feel like life is good now. It was good then too, but it was good in a different way and I just feel life is much more rewarding now, then then where it was previously. We don't all have to be living in a mansion. We all don't have to have big fancy cars, and big giant TVs, you know, going back to what I said earlier, happiness sometimes eludes us because we're so busy chasing that dream of what we think success is. Success truly is having a roof over our head, food on the table, and being happy, you know, and I think we have to just start to come - and as hard living in the pandemic time is right now, I think it's made me think a lot about that as well. And I'm hoping that it's caused a lot of people who are home to realize time with family has been great. Right? I know we're all spending much more time with each other and I said earlier today it's really a gift that we're giving this time to slow ourselves down to slow our lives down. We start doing more walks outside with our dogs and enjoying the outdoors in the fresh air and just the fact that you're outside experiencing trees, it helps lower your your cortisol level, you know, so those simple things so I just think we have to try to look at each day in a more positive way. It's really hard to do sometimes but just realized that each day's a gift. And you know, I look at having Kenny in my life for years.That was a gift. I was blessed with having him in my life and losing him taught me thatI need to truly appreciate all those who are in my life and not take anybody for granted.
MEGHA: That was beautiful, because at the end of the day, money is just sheets of paper and the relationships that you have and build - that's what really matters at the end of the day. That's what gonna stay with you. And is there someone in this town who has inspired you? There have been a few people. I have to say we have a wonderful relationship with Dr. Aderhold.I mentioned him earlier - the superintendent school district - and I’m really truly grateful for him and for listening. After Kenny died, it was challenging. There were people within the district who didn't know how to respond. They thought that you weren't supposed to talk about suicide because to be fair, the belief that the time years ago was if you talk to people, especially young people, that you put the idea of suicide in their head. So, the response was we won't talk about him and Dr.Aderhold knew that wasn't reality and then when he became superintendent, he invited us and we've been able to work with the district, we started off in high schools and then we're down to middle schools and then we're in the elementary with the dogs. Also within the school district, Dr. McClelland-Crawley at Community. She was one of the first people to actually invite us in. I think there was a little bit of stigma about the Baker family after Kenny died within the school district and she was the one who welcomed us when we spoke with her gifted and talented students and it just started to expand more and more with more teachers welcoming us and our programs into the school. So we're grateful for that and I have to say to you know, the West Windsor Police Department. We have a wonderful relationship with them. We're really blessed to have the amount of people who care about the community, you know, I work with a lot of them and they come into schools during our programs. I like the kids to meet them. Sergeant Jelinski is actually on our board, and he will come into the schools and I like the kids to see his face and know who he is and the kids to know that he cares, because I will tell you when Kenny was struggling, what he would do was he would go out walking at night. Walking, he's used to say walking used to help him slow down the thoughts in his head, used to help him relax himself. But sometimes, he would be out walking o'clock to midnight and he'd be stopped by a police officer. And you know, I was always grateful when it was a kind police officer who knew he wasn't out to cause trouble who helped him get home.
MEGHA: Where do you see mental health in the school system, because especially over recent years, there have been more and more reports talking about the stressful environment. I know that the district a couple of years ago had to change their curriculum in order to make it better for students. So where can improvements be made in our school district?
TRICIA: So I'm going to give you an opinion that most people are not going to be happy about, but my feeling is that our children sign up for too many AP classes. They should really choose their classes wisely, you know, pick one class, maybe two that you feel might challenge you but there's no reason for any student to be taking 5 or 6 AP classes. If you look at colleges, a lot of colleges, like say you're going to go to college for biology. A lot of those colleges won't even take your AP Biology class. So why are you taking that? We really have to think, and this goes back to parents having smart conversations with students, having smart conversations with counselors, you know, just take what classes you enjoy, you're going to be doing extra curricular activities - pick one, maybe two. Students really have to try to get to bed earlier. I know when I talk to kids in our district, I ask that question how many hours of sleep, or do you get who gets more than 8 hours and they all laugh at me because almost none of our young people are getting eight hours. And then I asked the question who gets five or less. I want to say at least 25%, or half of our students in our district are getting less than 5 hours of sleep every single night. And that is so detrimental to the adolescent brain, you know, their brain grows at until age 25 and if they're not sleeping to brain is going to be missing out on a lot of [sic] because that's when your brain grows and develops when you're sleeping, so I just think we need to talk more at home and at school about the importance of sleep, you know, if you don't sleep you're not really functioning. Well the next day, you know, a lot of times I'm going to schools and it's 7 in the morning and the kids will have their heads down on the desk. I'm also a big believer - I think our high school should start school later. I don't know if that's ever going to become a reality. But your internal clock, you don't get sleepy until 10:00 - 10:30 at night. So if you start thinking about what time you have to wake up in the morning in order to get that full 8 hours, the math doesn't work. So I really think that maybe our younger children.Maybe they start a little bit earlier because they're going to go to bed earlier and then maybe our older students can start their school day a little bit later.
MEGHA: It's been a whole debate in our school.
TRICIA: It's been around for a long time since my kids were in school.So it's been at least ten years that debate, and if I had a magic wand, I would wave it and the school day would start for high schools at 10:00. That's also another positive of the virtual classes. I think you're starting a little bit later. Am I correct?
MEGHA: Last year, in the springtime, we started at 9 and ended at 1. But in September, high school starts at 7:40 again. Whoever wants to go to school, can. Whoever wants to do the whole day virtual can. So just like the school year, our school and our day starts at 7:40.
TRICIA: I just think that it should start later, and kids need to get their sleep. Now the positive changes I've seen is that Dr. Aderhold helped implement the Whole Child Approach - less stress, the mental wellness and physical wellness, the overall happiness of the child is important. There are more counselors on school campuses now. I know both South and North have a counselor specifically for those who are struggling with significant mental health issues from Rutgers Behavioral Health. That's a huge addition.There should be, I think more education for teachers about mental health issues, just so that there's a little bit more understanding and empathy, you know, there were a couple teachers who didn't understand Kenny’s illness and they called him lazy. He wasn't lazy. He just had an illness. You wouldn't call a child struggling with cancer lazy, you know, I've seen improvement, but I really feel that there can't be enough mental health education for parents, for school staff, and then also for students. One thing I can say too, I'm working with a couple school districts in adding on school facility therapy dogs. Yeah. In fact, I'm working with Hopewell Valley Township. Dr. Smith, who used to be assistant superintendent at West Windsor. His goal is to have at least one dog on every school property every single day. We just certified dogs, administrators and their dogs. And now we just started training a whole new group of eight staff and their dogs. I talked to Dr. Aderhold a little bit about it and I know we've had some interest piqued, but I just think it would be important, if not having staff with dogs, but just having the dogs in on a more regular basis. I think coming back in September for those who are going to be on school property, I think having the dogs there would be really important, you know, petting a dog, looking at a dog, releases oxytocin, serotonin, lowers your cortisol level, just makes you feel good. And so, you know, I just would like to be able to offer that to the district come the fall, is to be able to be there for them.
MEGHA: Yeah. Yeah absolutely. Dogs make me so happy, and I know they make a lot of other people happy. I think that that'll be a really really great thing to add on in the school. And also when I was in Community, they opened the wellness center for the first time. So what are your thoughts on having something like that maybe in more schools and for younger ages? I think that's a wonderful idea. I really do. I think students need a place where they can relax, take a
break from education. A lot of young people, you'll find, they go to the nurse like almost every day. Like why are they going to the nurse every day? They need a break. So maybe there's another space that they can go where they can get a break and not even feel stigmatized by the fact that they're going to the nurse everyday. So no, I think that kids need to have their downtime, their quiet time.I just keep going back to, we need moreeducation so thatpeople aren't being judged, you know, we talked a lot about discrimination of race and religion and sexual identity.But we still don't talk about discrimination towards those who have a mental health disorder and we got to get that out into the conversation just as much as we talked about the other ones and it's understanding that when someone has a mental health issue, they don't choose to have that illness, you know, just like somebody's doesn't choose to have dark skin or doesn't choose to be transgender. It's who they are and we just need to get that out there and that was the idea behind our "In Their Shoes" exhibit.I don't know if you're familiar with that, but the whole idea with what that was is that we have almost 300 pairs of shoes and every pair has a tag on it or something that some young person might be struggling with in silence and the idea was these are all people who represent people have lost their lives to suicide and the ideas for the people walking through the exhibit, for those who have no idea how hard it is to wake up everyday and live with a mental health disorder, is just to increase some understanding and empathy and kindness towards those who struggle.
MEGHA: I've seen the exhibit before at one of the walkathons and it moved me. There were so many shoes, and I think I started crying that day. It really affected me to see that it does affect real people. It's not just something that you see in the movies or on television, but it's something that affects maybe even my friends, so that is one of the most powerful exhibits I think I've ever seen especially for a topic like this.
TRICIA: If I can just add on to something, for understanding your friends. Sometimes when someone lives with a mental health disorder, it can be really hard to be their friend, but they truly need their friends. So I just encourage young people that if you do have a friend who is struggling just continue to be there for them, you know, if they have a family member who's struggling, be there for them because they truly need their friends.
MEGHA: I agree. I completely agree. A lot of talk has been about virtual learning vs. hybrid learning. A lot of people are saying virtual learning will cause more stress vs. hybrid learning. So, what resources can parents use, and how can the school system better be leaders in mental health, especially regarding the coronavirus. I know a lot of people whose mental health has greatly declined during the quarantine and lockdown period, but I Know the same amount of people who have taken that time away from school to work on their mental health because school caused a lot of issues for their mental health. How can the school system and parents better be helpful for students dealing with the pandemic and the different types of schooling?
TRICIA: Right, so a couple of suggestions I have is that parents should create a - with the students - schedule, a daily schedule, especially if you’re doing virtual vs. hybrid, and then adhere to that schedule. When you have a schedule, you know what to expect for the day, and that helps lower your anxiety. The other thing I suggest too is to turn off the news sometimes because there's a lot of negativity on the news and I can't stress enough that we have to remain hopeful. This will pass. It's a very difficult time; it’s a challenging time, you know, people have lost loved ones to this horrible illness. If you look back through history, you know, the pandemic of 1917-1918, you know, we moved past that. It may still continue to be a struggle for a while, but we will move past it, and we always have to hold onto that. Still, we hope that things will get better and just as regards school, you know, maybe some kids are learning that homeschooling is better for them and that this type of environment is more nurturing, it's not having a significant impact on their mental health, it’s actually having a positive impact. So if it works for their family, maybe that's the solution. I really think this is the time for all of us to be looking at our lives differently, and you know, as I said earlier, spending more time with each other, more time outdoors. I'm working a lot with Hopewell Valley. I know their elementary school is setting up outdoor classes for their little ones, which is great because I know that their place is to bring their little ones back every single day. I don’t know if it's for the whole day, but I know it’s every day, so there’s continuity, and they think children strive for that continuity - what to expect tomorrow. It’s, and it’s when you don’t know what to expect that it causes us this anxiety, but maybe the district is working on that, getting the kids in school, doing outdoor classes. I also do dog training. I’m doing outdoor classes. We’re all social distancing and we’re outdoors, and we’re enjoying the outdoors. So I think there are those options, but I think the school needs to be for the number of kids when they get back and a significant increase in mental health issues and what I think we also, all of us parents and also school administrators and teachers is start understanding that it can take up to 8 to 10 years for an illness to develop. So what’s happening to our little ones right now, we think, oh, they’re so resilient there in elementary school, you know, what's the impact going to be on them in the long run. When I think about 9/11, which was a horrific day, and I just remember everybody, we had the TV on and we watched that horrible thing happening over and it had such an impact on the West Windsor-Plainsboro community. We lost so many people who worked in Manhattan. And it had an impact on our kids, and we didn’t realize it then because they seemed like they’re doing okay, but we need to be aware that maybe it’s not impacting them today, but what’s the impact going to be on their future. All of us need to be educating kids, talking. Parents need to have this conversation that the brain is an organ. It's just an organ in our body, and it can get sick, but it can get well. Have that conversation and I know that conversations happening more and more in schools, but we need to bready - I may be wrong but - Just in what I’ve seen in the spikes in suicidal thoughts, and sadly I’ve heard of too many young people dying of substance abuse disorder and suicide during this time, and I just think that it’s going to get worse before it gets better. But we have to make sure that we’re ready as professionals. Again, to educate parents, to educate school staff, that school administrators have to be ready and students need to be open to talk about it. I have to say, students are so open to talk about it. It’s my age. We are the ones with the hang-ups, you know, and like I said, when Kenny died 11 years ago, the thought was don’t talk to kids at all about suicide, and then after a couple of years of us being involved in suicide prevention, we started hearing that, “Well, it’s okay to talk to adults who work with children about suicide but you still don’t talk to kids about suicide.” But now in the last couple of years, there are more and more people talking directly to students. Youth Mental Health First Aid now is doing a program, they’re talking to juniors and seniors. Well, I can tell you by our research that it’s already too late by the time junior and senior year happened. We really need to be talking to the kids in middle school. That’s when they’re most open. That’s when they see the symptoms within themselves and within their friends. Remember I said earlier, I think I said earlier, half of all mental health issues present themselves by age 14. So we need to educate kids and parents before age 14. So if they see something, they can see a doctor, they can see a therapist, they can start treatment, and the earlier you start treatment, like any other illness, the more likely the success of that treatment.
MEGHA: I can also genuinely say, like speaking on the perspective of middle school, that for me, and for a lot of people I know, middle school was one of the hardest times that we ever had. It was harder than anything high school has presented us with. We’re learning who we are at that point. I think that reaching out to middle school ages is excellent because I think they’re the ones who need it the most. I know I did. How does West Windsor as whole, how can it improve on how it confronts mental health, does it need improvement, or is it at a good point right now?
TRICIA: We’re doing better. But just like the whole nation, we need to be talking more about it. I feel like the conversation is just starting, and we have so much more to talk about, and we have to get past that “not my kid” and “it can’t be my kid,” and it’s negative. I know some people even who lost children to suicide, and they move. They don’t want to talk to anyone, they don’t want to see anyone because they’re afraid of being judged, and I don’t know if I mentioned this, but the day after Kenny died, there was an article written about him. And the amount of horrible, judgemental things that were written about us. My good friends said don’t look at any of them because people judged our family that we must have been a horrible family in order for him to feel like he needed to end his life, not understanding that it’s a biological, genetic-based illness that we fought for 3 years to find the solution for his illness, the cure for his illness. So we still have more education to do and again, my age people, you know, our young people are getting it and they are getting treatment and they're open to therapy and it's just a really great thing to see and it’s happening more often, but in this district, I’ll have a young person come up to me and say, “I wish my mother would see this presentation,” and one young person said, “Could you send that slide to my mom,” Just because sometimes it’s really hard for kids to communicate this really tough topic to parents, and to be fair to parents, we are really busy, parents are dealing with so much stress now, especially with COVID-19, trying to find ways to put food on the table. So it’s really challenging, but really we still have to be open and understand that our young people can still be struggling and one thing I’ve learned about West Windsor-Plainsboro students is that they truly don't want to add any extra burden onto their parents. They’d rather keep it to themselves, and deal with it themselves than talk to their parents and that's why parents really have to be aware, open, and able to ask questions - “How are you feeling?” “How is your mental health?” Are you feeling depressed, and not just sad, we all get sad, “are you feeling depressed?” “Are you feeling anxious?” “Are you having physical symptoms with your anxiety?” Kenny used to have physical symptoms. He used to have thoughts racing. He would have heart palpitations. He would get joint pains. He used to get stomach pains, all from his brain illness, so parents need to be open to that conversation and not be embarrassed or not be afraid. If you are truly concerned about your child, it is actually okay to ask them if they are thinking about suicide, and let me tell you, it may save their lives. The day I was talking about earlier where we actually figured out Kenny was suicidal, I talked to my friend. She told me he needs to go to the hospital for a diagnosis for an evaluation, and I remember I said to him, “Kenny, we need to go to the hospital,” He didn’t argue. He didn’t fuss. He got up and he walked and he got in the car and we went to the hospital. He knew he was in trouble that day. He knew he needed help and he wanted to get help. Sadly in our case, we ran out of time and he lost hope, and we just never found the right solution for him. But people who are living with these illnesses, who’re living with suicidal thoughts - suicide is not about ending their life. People don't want to end their lives. They just don't know how to make all this pain go away, the emotional pain, the physical pain, and it’s also important to understand that people who are living with suicidal ideation have brain illnesses, right? They are not thinking clearly. These brain illnesses are evil, and they lie to you, and they tell you that you don’t deserve help, and that’s another reason why so many people who are living with suicidal thoughts don’t ever reach out and ask for help. So as adults, we really need to be in tune with our young people, as parents, as teachers, as our kids start coming back to school, as the administrators. We just really need to be aware and talk openly, you know, we talk now about sex education, we talk about all sorts of things in school, why we’re having this conversations about mental health. That still needs to be improved. It's getting better! I see changes, I see significant changes, but it still needs improvement.
MEGHA: And do you think this improvement can come in person to person or institution to person interactions? So institutions can be hospitals, the school, police, the government, emergency services, etc.
TRICIA: I think we all need to work as a team. I really do, and I see changes in all those organizations you just talked about for the positive. You know, like at the hospital once I went in for some tests and I remember them asking me before the test, “Do you feel safe at home?” And I thought you know what? This is a really great place for you to ask me that question, you know because if I didn't feel safe, this is a safe environment for me to share how I felt, you know, so I do feel that institutions and organizations are starting, but in my gut, I feel there’s a grassroots effort, That one-on-one and that’s where AIR started, you know, one-on-one conversations about good mental health. We’re talking today, who knows how many people this is going to reach, you know, if we touch one person’s heart, you know, and we’re able to save one person. You know, that’s priceless. So, I really feel that one-on-one conversations - our t-shirts started with the idea of one-on-one conversations, you know, people would say, "Hey, what does AIR mean?" and it gave you that open door to start the conversation, and actually quite a few people have shared with me that they were in Florida, they were in New Zealand, and they had our shirt on, and people asked them. I think that's so cool that around the country and around the globe that AIR is starting to have conversations about mental wellness. So I think we all need to work together, but it's really up to each one of us first of all to understand and then to be kind to each other and to not have any embarrassment about talking about it, you know, no shame no stigma and allow friends to talk and to share and I think I mentioned the little boy who was seven. We just need to understand that and just again accept each other for who we are, how we are, and just be kinder to each other. I think with everything going on in this world, we really, on a one-on-one basis, have to be kind to each other.
MEGHA: I think that's excellent, and actually about the T-shirt. I had an experience with that too. I was wearing it at school. I had one of the AIR T-shirts from one of the walkathons and I wore it to school and there were people asking me what AIR stood for. And it felt pretty good to talk about mental health, especially in middle school when I remember no one talked about their feelings. So it is really, really nice.
MEGHA: And do you see AIR's mission changing in the future if perspectives change and institutional occurs?
TRICIA: You know, we have been growing and developing since we started, you know, if you asked me 11 years ago "Would we be doing this?" and I probably would have said "no" because believe it or not, I'm a shy person. I get really nervous. No one believes but I really am shy so if you put me in a situation with all people who I don't know I'm going to be the one in the corner not talking unless we're talking about dogs or mental health. Those are the things I can talk to anybody about. But, I do see us growing and changing over the years. We started out in high school. And then we recognized the fact we needed to talk to middle schoolers. And then we started seeing the statistics about suicide rates going younger and younger. So then we've implemented - We now have two elementary programs for students. You know, that work with the dogs is expanding. Our AIR dogs - Paws for Minds program is actually a national program, it's recognized by the AKC and we can actually certify dogs in other states through videotape, you know, so I feel because we are small I always say we're like The Little Engine Who Could as we're small, we are able to move fairly quickly in response to what's going on in society. I think that's probably been our big success is the fact that we have been able to adapt. that we have been able to adapt. we were. Then a few years later, they said we can talk to adults. Well, we were still talking to kids. Now, they're saying well, you can talk to juniors and seniors while we are talking to first and second graders. I think everyone is going to catch up with eventually but I think about the impact that we've had it all those kids that we've had in all these years while everyone is still trying to figure things out, you know, we've been able to just watch trends, listen, we listen to a lot of young people and based upon that, that's how we've been able to implement in and bring about changes in our program in order to be meet the needs as they change.
MEGHA: Are there any additional institutions, instructors you'd like to see West Windsor adopt in order to improve it's approach to mental health?
TRICIA: You know, the Youth Mental Health First Aid is a big one. I do believe that every adult who works with children should take this program. It's an eight-hour program. It's sponsored by the National Council of Behavioral Health, but it's an excellent program in that we talked about what mental health issues are, what are the signs of onset of mental health disorders, what are the signs of suicide, and we do a lot of role playing in this program and there are people coming and they're are triggered. They cry. Like I said earlier, asking somebody that you love, "Are you thinking about suicide?" is a tough question. Part of this program is you practice, you role-play that, by looking at, you know, the other participants faces and you realize how hard it is. And that's often what you're saying to somebody who you don't know, who you know just a little bit, and saying it into the eyes of somebody you love is really, really difficult and allowing you to practice that helps you when it comes to it to real life situations. So that's something that I think that all the schools could benefit, all the teachers could benefit from, just like in Kenny's cases, those one or two teachers who called him lazy because he couldn’t get out of bed and couldn’t come to school one day, maybe if they had the right education they would have been little bit more compassionate towards his illness. And that’s the thing that this program does - Mental health first Aid - so I would highly recommend that for all teachers and anybody who works with children.
MEGHA: How has AIR been viewed over time? Has anything changed? Was it originally faced with resistance and now it has a lot of support?
TRICIA: That’s a really good question. Yes, it has changed and yes, we did meet with resistance, as I said in the beginning going back in 11 years, a lot has changed in accepting people who have died by suicide. Their families. You know, when we first lost Kenny, there was a lot of judgement, that we must have been this horrible family, and a lot of people just weren’t aware. So in the beginning, we just started off at this t-shirt contest. That's where the whole thing started and there was resistance. But I think what happened is slowly over time we were invited into other schools in other districts and we were able to show the success of our program and North was actually one of the first schools we were in, and they could see the benefits of our program. In the beginning, it was a bit of a challenge because who were we? We’re a family who lost a kid and people just didn’t really understand his illness and they didn’t understand his death. So it was better just to kind of stay away, but we didn’t give up and that’s the other thing I tell kids when I talk to them. if you feel passionately about something, just don’t give up, you know, keep talking about it, become educated, you know, we became educated about the topic and you know, one life can make an impact on the world and you just can’t give up. You just got to keep always having hope and working hard. Hard work plays into it. There were days, I have to be honest, that I said why do I do this? You know, I’m working for almost no money. I have no paid vacation. I have no health benefits. Before the pandemic, I had no time off and you know, sometimes it’s really hard. And then I would get a message from someone, either from a young person who said that you know, our program help save their live, or from mom, maybe, on the other side of the globe who said, you know, I lost my child and I see you get up everyday, my child and I see you get up everyday, so you’ve inspired me to get up everyday, you know, so I get a message like that and it’s really funny. Ironic, I don’t know what the word is, but it’s when I’m at my lowest point that I got those messages, I get that feedback. It’s almost like the universe knows I need to have some inspiration, and then when I get the inspiration, I say, “ Okay, I know I can’t quit. I know I have to keep moving on. Even if it’s saving one life, and I know we’ve saved hundreds if not thousands of lives, because we’ve spoken to over 90,000 students so far across the country. I’ve been invited to California, to Texas, to Minnesota. We’ve been to eight states outside of New Jersey and I tried really hard not to say no to any invitation because you never know. You never know the one life you’re going to impact. So, just a quick story, like Texas. We got an invitation to go to a middle school in Texas to talk to 8th graders. They were looking for a program, they found us. And I found a woman who told me, anytime you come to a school in Texas, we’ll find your programming. So that allowed me to go out to Texas. it was a group of 8th graders, a small class with maybe about 15 students, and it was the week before they were graduating and moving on to high school. After I came back, I got an email from the teacher who told me that after our presentation, one young girl came forward and expressed suicidal ideation. And I think if I wasn’t there, she would have gone on to high school and maybe been lost in the crowd, maybe her illness never been detected, you know, so I’ve had at least three times schools tell me that they’ve either called an ambulance after our presentation rushed the student to a hospital, because young people don’t know they have permission to ask for help, and that’s what we hope we do, is we give them the permission to ask.
MEGHA: I think that these are some incredible, brilliant examples of AIR’s mission and how much you guys have succeeded in doing it. That actually is the perfect segue into my next question, which is what are some of AIR’s protest accomplishments?
TRICIA: I have to tell you those are probably them, you know, any time any young person comes back to me, and tells me, “ You helped save my life” I get goosebumps, because to think that we can have that kind of impact on another human being there are no words for that. I miss my son tremendously, but I feel that being able to do what I do through AIR is a gift. It’s a gift to be able to talk to young people. It’s a gift to be able to help them identify their illness. It’s a gift to be able to help them save their lives and I just have to always remind myself of that, as I said, even when it gets tough, but again, we talked a little earlier, the universe has a plan for us and I really feel that this was our plan for our whole family, and we just have to make sure we keep our eyes open to what the next steps are in the plan, because I don’t really know what the next steps are. We’re going to see and I/m sure it’s going to be presented to us and we’ll be able to fulfill that but it is just a matter of just being able to keep doing what we’re doing, and helping to reach kids.
MEGHA: Thank you so much for everything that you’ve done and will continue doing. It has impacted so many students, so many people’s lives, and I truly think that you are one of the biggest inspirations for us all to have and thank you so much. On that note, I’m going to close this week’s installment of Voices of West Windsor.
